Life Delimma


(U.S.A.)

Original Text:


Dear Mr. Kiernan,
My name is Zenab Musari. I am a sophomore of Fairleigh Dickinson University, Metropolitan Campus. The purpose of this letter is to complain on the serious predicament that the department of Financial Aid has caused me. My freshman year in FDU, metropolitan campus was a successful year that ended with flying colors. Therefore, I am grateful for such education that was provided for me. In the beginning of my freshman year, my counselor Harry Tongue, advised me to apply for Financial Aid 2010-2011 before February 20th 2010, which is a direction I followed carefully. Yet, last week, I received a letter that I had no money from financial aid. I called the Financial Aid department immediately to know the cause for this problem, which they confirmed that I applied that early; however, my package will not be ready until the end of this month. I reminded them that school starts on the 31st of August, 2010. And they responded by telling me to go to enrollment services to start a payment plan until my package was ready. I told my mother, who is a single parent the bad news and she told me we have to visit the school immediately. We drove about 2 hours from Wrightstown New Jersey to visit the Enrollment Service department yesterday evening August 5th, 2010. When we arrived there, we received a warm welcoming from staffs. We spoke to one the staffs who told us that we were looking to about a little over 6000 dollars to pay out of pocket if we had to wait for our financial aid before it would be ready. Unfortunately, my mother cannot afford such extreme large sum of money before the end of the month. This is sad news and something I would not expect from one the best universities in the country. Please, if there is anything you can do to help wake me up from this nightmare please do so because I do not want this issue to become the killer of my dreams of becoming a successful nurse by graduating from the best university in the country from my perspective.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Revised Text:


Dear Mr. Kiernan,

My name is Zenab Musari. I am a sophomore at Fairleigh Dickinson University, Metropolitan Campus. The purpose of this letter is to complain about the serious predicament that the department of Financial Aid has caused me.

My freshman year in FDU, Metropolitan Campus was a successful one that ended with flying colors and I am grateful for the education that was provided me.

In the beginning of my freshman year my counselor, Harry Tongue, advised me to apply for 2010-2011 Financial Aid before February 20th 2010, and I followed the direction carefully. But last week, I received a letter stating that I had no money from financial aid.

I called the Financial Aid department immediately to learn the cause of this problem and they confirmed that I had applied early; however, my package will not be ready until the end of this month. I reminded them that school starts on the 31st of August, 2010 and they responded by telling me to go to enrollment services to start a payment plan until my package was ready.

I told my mother, who is a single parent, the bad news and she told me that we must visit the school immediately. We drove about 2 hours from Wrightstown, New Jersey to visit the Enrollment Service department yesterday evening, August 5th, 2010. When we arrived there, we received a warm welcoming from the staff. We spoke to one of the staff members, who told us that we were looking at a little over 6,000 dollars to pay out of pocket if we had to wait for our financial aid to be ready.

Unfortunately, my mother cannot afford this extremely large sum of money before the end of the month. This is sad news and something I would not expect from one of the best universities in the country.

Please, if there is anything you can do to help wake me from this nightmare, please do so because I do not want this issue to become the killer of my dreams of graduating from the best university in the country in my perspective and becoming a successful nurse.

Editor:

I wish you Good Luck


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Dec 27, 2010
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''...expect from one (?) the best universities...''
by: Деян (Deyan)

''...something I would not expect from one the best universities in the country''.

There should be ''of'' between ''one'' and ''the''
Am I right?

Editor:

You are right, I was in error. Thank you for catching that.

Aug 06, 2010
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The Best
by: Anonymous

I am so grateful,you guys helped. I did not expect the proofreading to be this quick. Thank You so much!

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