The Field 16

by Glenn Gillis
(Lévis Quebec Canada)

Original Text:


Alan threw his bat and mitt in back of the pickup truck and headed with Elizabeth towards the playground. As all three couples entered the small playground, they noticed that it was empty. There was something very strange at the sand pile. A large black circle surrounded the sand pile, and in the center was a book: still smoking.
“WHERE AER THE CHILDREN?” exclaimed Jennifer in shock.
Elizabeth looked at Alan with concern.
“Where on earth could Barbara have gone with the children?”
“BAARBRAAAH! Alan shouted.
They began shouting out there names, but there was no answer. Jessie began examining the half-scorched book, which remained in the center of the sand pile. Why was this book burning? The sand felt worm, almost hot. Something was very wrong here. He let go the book and joined the others as they shouted the children’s names. They searched the entire schoolyard, but nothing. Near bye, empty swings were gently swaying from a gentle wind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Revised Text:

Alan threw his bat and mitt in back of the pickup truck and headed with Elizabeth towards the playground. As all three couples entered the small playground, they noticed that it was empty.

There was something very strange about the sand pile. A large black circle surrounded it, and in the center was a book, still smoking.

“Where are the children?” cried Jennifer in shock.

Elizabeth looked at Alan with concern, “Where on earth could Barbara have gone with the children?”

“Baarbaarah!" Alan shouted.

They began shouting out the names, but there was no answer. Jessie began examining the half-scorched book, which remained in the center of the sand pile. Why was this book burning?

The sand felt warm, almost hot. Something was very wrong here. He let go of the book and joined the others as they shouted the children’s names. They searched the entire schoolyard, but nothing.

Nearby, empty swings were gently swaying in a gentle wind.

Editor:

1. Please review the text carefully to ensure your intended meaning was not mistakenly changed.

2. Before you leave this page, please take a moment to use the "Click here to post comments." link at the bottom of the page to rate the proofreading and leave a comment if you wish.


Proofreading and editing pages that receive ratings and comments are moved to the top of the list.

Comments for The Field 16

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Jul 16, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
First Chapter
by: Glenn Gillis

I've just sent you the last sentences of my first chapter. Up to date you have done a wonderful job (Thank You) Second chapter soon

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Free Proofreading.